Grocery Shopping Buffoonery

I don't know if you, like me, get into a systematic rut when grocery shopping. It develops because your household is comfortable with the same foods, and would gladly eat them ad nauseam, not pausing for a second to contemplate if this is the 14th time in 2 weeks they had eaten, let's say, spaghetti in tomato sauce. You find you could shop in the same store blindfold, almost telepathically removing the items from the shelves and depositing them cleanly and briskly into your cart.

So I thought it pertinent to share with you a dalliance of mine designed specifically to break up this boredom and to add a little variety to your equally tedious culinary exploits, a game I call "Grocery Shopping Buffoonery"

The game has 3 different levels : Beginner, A Lorra Lorra Fun, and Just Plain Illegal. You can utilize any level, or rotate as I do, depending upon how frisky I feel.

Level 1 : "Endcap Speedshop" : (Beginner)

Only the most basic list is allowed, effectively the staples at home you simply could not contemplate a meaningful existence without (for me, that would be quality coffee and cheapo vino...at a push, that might also include sugar). Enter the store of your choice and, quickly and efficiently, find those items on your list, striking them off as you do. Stay focussed, practice tunnel vision, and do NOT dally :) On completion of that task, return to the beginning of the store with your cart. Rev your tires a little...maybe make a few horse neighing impatiently noises. Then...GO! You have 15 minutes to shop but here's the rule...you can only purchase an item IF IT'S ON AN ENDCAP . I know this means you'll probably end up with a lot of cereal and pizza (frozen cabinet endcaps are OK) but let's face it, you might discover something heretofore untested, like dried onion crouton topping ...

Level 2 : "Discarded Granny List " : (A Lorra Lorra Fun)

Ever wondered what Lard is for? How about American Imitation Cheese Food Product? Yes, my fair friends, now's your chance to learn. Approach the store, staples list in hand (as per Level 1).
Move directly to the cart area in the lobby. Now, go through the carts, systematically eliminating them until you reach...PAYDIRT! A discarded shopping list left by the PREVIOUS incumbent of said cart (usually, as the title implies, a relatively well organized grandma, or, if you're a tad unfortunate, someone shopping for a barbeque cook-out for, let's say, an entire church congregation.) Of course, you can ONLY purchase the items on their list. Say goodbye to couscous for another week, say hello 8 tins Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup!

Level 3 : "Steal That Cart!" : (Just Plain Illegal)

Approach the store in the manner previously described, staples list acceptable. Select a shopping BASKET (not cart) and collect your staples in it. Now, call upon all resources, mental and physical, gathered by you while watching shows such as "Birdwatch" and "I, Big Game Hunter".
Select a fellow shopper. They should be alone and preferably not fleet of foot (in the manner of say, a young, stray gazelle) and have a plentiful cart, overflowing even, as if they were almost at the end of their shopping trip. Again, old ladies work tremendously well here. Wait until the prey has wandered away from their cart...this always happen around the milk and / or soda section, when the crush of people in the aisle forces you to leave the cart at the end and venture in alone. Now, QUICK! seize the cart and with all the aplomb you can muster head DIRECTLY to the checkout, adding the items from your small basket in transit. Hit the shortest line, pay, and get out of there before the poor old bat (i'm sorry, trusted customer) realizes what's hit her. Throw the groceries into the car (hopefully you'll have a station wagon) and, with a squeal of tires and a puff of smoke take off rapidly in the direction of your abode. Of course, this last part isn't STRICTLY necessary, as you have, in fact, purchased your loot, but it doesn't half make it exciting ;-)