A row over the correct way to make shepherd’s pie ended up in court after a disagreement between two brothers turned violent.
After a day spent drinking, Michael Garvin cooked his brother John the traditional English dish for dinner, expecting a grateful response.
John, however, voiced his disquiet that the pie was not topped with a layer of sliced tomatoes.
His brother, a chef, claimed a layer of tomatoes was not the appropriate way to finish off a shepherd’s pie, and responded by hitting him over the head with a shovel.
As the argument got out of control, John threatened to petrol bomb his brother’s flat and was arrested.
He spent a night in the cells in Blackburn, Lancs, where the pair lived in flats opposite each other. He admitted a breach of the peace, and was bound over to keep the peace for 12 months in the sum of £200.
Catherine Allen, prosecuting, said the brothers had been drinking before Michael embarked on culinary duties.
She said: “The argument started because there were no tomatoes on the top of the shepherd’s pie that Michael had made for their tea and John thought this was wrong.”
John swore at his brother and then said he was going to petrol bomb Michael’s flat, the prosecutor said.
This had frightened his brother, as John had previously set fire to his own flat, the court heard.
Liz Parker, defending, said : “My client does not accept the remark about petrol bombing.
“What he does say is that Michael hit him over the head with a shovel and there was a lot of trouble over very little.”
District Judge Peter Ward told the defendant that, in his view, there was no need for a layer of tomatoes on a shepherd’s pie.
Delia Smith’s shepherd’s pie recipe makes no mention of tomatoes.
So I thought it pertinent to share with you a dalliance of mine designed specifically to break up this boredom and to add a little variety to your equally tedious culinary exploits, a game I call "Grocery Shopping Buffoonery"
The game has 3 different levels : Beginner, A Lorra Lorra Fun, and Just Plain Illegal. You can utilize any level, or rotate as I do, depending upon how frisky I feel.
Level 1 : "Endcap Speedshop" : (Beginner)
Only the most basic list is allowed, effectively the staples at home you simply could not contemplate a meaningful existence without (for me, that would be quality coffee and cheapo vino...at a push, that might also include sugar). Enter the store of your choice and, quickly and efficiently, find those items on your list, striking them off as you do. Stay focussed, practice tunnel vision, and do NOT dally :) On completion of that task, return to the beginning of the store with your cart. Rev your tires a little...maybe make a few horse neighing impatiently noises. Then...GO! You have 15 minutes to shop but here's the rule...you can only purchase an item IF IT'S ON AN ENDCAP . I know this means you'll probably end up with a lot of cereal and pizza (frozen cabinet endcaps are OK) but let's face it, you might discover something heretofore untested, like dried onion crouton topping ...
Level 2 : "Discarded Granny List " : (A Lorra Lorra Fun)
Ever wondered what Lard is for? How about American Imitation Cheese Food Product? Yes, my fair friends, now's your chance to learn. Approach the store, staples list in hand (as per Level 1).
Move directly to the cart area in the lobby. Now, go through the carts, systematically eliminating them until you reach...PAYDIRT! A discarded shopping list left by the PREVIOUS incumbent of said cart (usually, as the title implies, a relatively well organized grandma, or, if you're a tad unfortunate, someone shopping for a barbeque cook-out for, let's say, an entire church congregation.) Of course, you can ONLY purchase the items on their list. Say goodbye to couscous for another week, say hello 8 tins Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup!
Level 3 : "Steal That Cart!" : (Just Plain Illegal)
Approach the store in the manner previously described, staples list acceptable. Select a shopping BASKET (not cart) and collect your staples in it. Now, call upon all resources, mental and physical, gathered by you while watching shows such as "Birdwatch" and "I, Big Game Hunter".
Select a fellow shopper. They should be alone and preferably not fleet of foot (in the manner of say, a young, stray gazelle) and have a plentiful cart, overflowing even, as if they were almost at the end of their shopping trip. Again, old ladies work tremendously well here. Wait until the prey has wandered away from their cart...this always happen around the milk and / or soda section, when the crush of people in the aisle forces you to leave the cart at the end and venture in alone. Now, QUICK! seize the cart and with all the aplomb you can muster head DIRECTLY to the checkout, adding the items from your small basket in transit. Hit the shortest line, pay, and get out of there before the poor old bat (i'm sorry, trusted customer) realizes what's hit her. Throw the groceries into the car (hopefully you'll have a station wagon) and, with a squeal of tires and a puff of smoke take off rapidly in the direction of your abode. Of course, this last part isn't STRICTLY necessary, as you have, in fact, purchased your loot, but it doesn't half make it exciting ;-)
